Today, I decided to end my life on August 15, 2013. Why that date? Because it’s my 60th birthday. Other than that, it’s arbitrary. But, I just heard a report about people being more likely to die on their birthday and it made a certain amount of sense to me – the perfect closure.
I’m anything but a random person. I’m very analytical. I love symmetry. I can’t stand loose ends. That’s just the way I am. So, to die on a round number – 60th birthday - is a nice way to tie things up. From dust to dust – full circle.
Since this is just the third paragraph of what I anticipate being a book, I’m not sure exactly how it will develop. I’ve thought about suicide my whole life and so I’ve thought about many different aspects with respect to it – such as the name of the book, how to make sure everything is organized for whoever has to take care of my remains and my remaining stuff after death, how to justify suicide from a Christian perspective, why I don’t see the necessity of extending life, how to commit the act, etc.
These are all areas I have had thoughts about. I’m sure there has never been a month, probably not even a week, in which one or more of those issues didn’t cross my mind – at least as an adult.
Since the vast majority of people don’t think about this type of thing, the natural question is “Why me?” That’s an easy question to answer. I’m not like anyone else and everyone who knows me knows it to be true!
Because I don’t see life the same way as the vast majority of people, it makes sense to me that I wouldn’t see death the same way either. Therefore, I don’t expect anyone to understand my actions, though I’m sure some will. I’m going to attempt to explain my perspective in a way that makes sense, but that’s probably hopeless for the majority as most people are just far too emotional to be able to appreciate the logic or impassivity that I have with calling an end to the daily act – one that I’ve performed 21,485 times with just 430 days remaining.
I’ve wondered about suicide my whole life – or at least as long as I could remember. It wasn’t a function of depression. I just wondered about it – more of a curiosity. As time went on and I got older, I saw other adults commit suicide and it made me wonder even more. Was the question I should be asking “Why Suicide?” or was it “Why not Suicide?”
Why did they do it? What was their motivation? Was there a straw that broke the camel’s back? Was it some major event or disaster? The problem is nobody will tell you and I found that frustrating.
Apparently, the whole idea of suicide is a stigma – something to be ashamed of or something a family is ashamed of. I suppose it might be because others see it as a reflection upon themselves – either they didn’t do enough to support the person or else they have the same flawed gene. Who knows?
I couldn’t really go up to a widow and say “Hey, why did Leroy commit suicide?” That doesn’t fly – even in my world of being direct and to the point. Consequently, I never found out detailed reasons of why anyone that I knew of committed suicide. Even with national personalities, the reasons are kept hush, hush – social stigma. Maybe it’s a function of not wanting to speak poorly of the dead – the ultimate bad decision, what an idiot.
Part of it also is probably the Christian culture in which we live. Suicide is considered a mortal sin in the Catholic Church. If the last thing you do is commit a mortal sin, it’s a tough act to follow if you know what I mean. I think tradition has determined that to discuss a person having done it is to discuss that person in hell. And, who wants to go down that road?
In any event, I plan to tell you exactly, and in no uncertain terms, why I committed suicide. I realize a lot of people might have trouble reading this – especially some of my friends. I recognize that even if seven billion others were in my exact shoes, only a few would do what I did. I also realize suicide isn’t any kind of a solution for the vast majority of people. I fully appreciate all that as well.
But, for me, it will be the most ideal option. And, so I thought I would make sure anyone who wondered why someone might do it, would now have the opportunity to have that question answered at least once.
Will that make the former me special? No. Will that make the former me unique? Yes. It won't be that I was better than anyone except politicians and criminals (sorry for being redundant), but I was different than everybody. As I type this, I'm proud of being different and I'm sure I will still be proud on August 15th of next year. I always said the last thing I ever wanted to see was on my tombstone… “Here lies just another Joe.” I wanted to be remembered for something, and although there are other things I may be remembered for, this book (or whatever form it takes) is my final effort at some kind of a legacy.
I AM NOT A CONFORMIST - By Martin Manley (1991)
Hopefully, when you read this site, you will remember me, but more importantly, forgive me for my imperfections. Beyond that, it’s my desire that others learn from my experiences. The vast majority of (if not all) people should be talked down from the ledge. If this book helps in accomplishing that in any way, shape or form, then it was worth it. Obviously, I'm “jumping” anyway, but that doesn’t mean anyone else should. Do as I say, not as I do.
And, finally, I hope you will all pray for my soul. Trust me, I will ask God to forgive me for not having the faith necessary to persevere, but your prayers can’t hurt. Besides, you should be praying anyway.
"Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened."
– Dr. Seuss
Copyright 2013 Martin Manley Life and Death. All rights reserved.